A Birthday Poem
This isn’t an ode to John Shemkus;
Odes are for those who are dead.
So instead of a tear-jerking tribute,
I’ll try something different instead.
I’ll assemble some words of advice.
Some hints that you can depend on:
Let’s think of this poem as a handbook
To the Care and Feeding of John.
Rule 1: Don’t let him go hungry.
But he’s really quite easy to please.
Just boil a whole pound of pasta
Then top it with red sauce or cheese.
Happy 60th birthday Dad!
Rule 2: Be cautious ’bout politics
His buttons are easy to push.
He’s likely to get rather angry
If you tell him you voted for Bush.
But be careful with how far you take it.
You might not want to push it much harder:
Your personal safety could be at risk
If you dare to diss Jimmy Carter.
Rule 3: Always be punctual.
On this point he’ll brook no debate.
If you arrive 10 minutes early,
You’re really there five minutes late.
Rule 4: This one’s kind of tricky.
It’s a guideline that’s for his own good.
‘Cuz sometimes he gets independent
And tries stuff we don’t think he should.
If he says that he’s shaving his beard off
(an act we’ve explicitly banned)
Launch yourself at him and use all your strength
To wrestle the blade from his hand.
Rule 5: Be quick shifting laundry
To the dryer when it is clean
He hates it when wet laundry lingers
Even ten minutes in the machine.
Rule 6: Don’t laugh at his hobbies
Though his interests are different from most.
Is it really so weird that his favorite thing
Is a big rotting pile of compost?
Rule 7: He’s really quite handy
So let him help out ‘round the house
Just give him some projects to work on
And he’ll never have reason to grouse
But make sure the tools that he needs
Are always handy and near:
He’ll want hammers and screwdrivers,
Rulers and clamps, wrenches, and pliers and beer
Rule 8: Do not be too startled
When ‘round 4 p.m. on Halloween
The phone rings and your ears are shattered
By a harrowing pumpkin death scream
Rule 9: Make room in the pantry
If there’s a sale on pasta or rice
‘Cuz there’s nothing that gets him excited quite like
An excellent grocery store price.
But in the end there is one rule,
That stands out above all the rest.
And that one is clearly Rule 10:
Remember that John is the best.
Best father, son, husband and brother-in-law,
(And of course he’s the best F.U.J.)
Therefore, the phrase “Happy 60th John”
Is written in the wrong way.
For those who have been made most happy,
By the 60 years here you have spent
Are your beautiful wife and your daughters
And your so-lucky family and friends.
So raise up your glass now to toast him
In all of his silver-haired glory
Let’s thank him and hope for many more years
To add to this wonderful story.
